[Report] I AM THE ... dammit, I hate you Jesse.

[Deep6er]

So anyway, I would like to first state that I hate Dave Price. He's a big ol' sack of jerkface. Camping was the shittiest idea this weekend (which included a whole bunch of shitty ideas/decks). Anyway, on to the tournament report.

Round 1: Greg (Nantuko Shady) playing Solidarity
Game 1: You know, this whole match was ridiculous. I beat the ever loving shit out of him.
Game 2: Look at Machinus' picture. That's me. God, I'm so amazing at magic.

Round 2: Eric Darland (Sexy Rector) playing Truffle Shuffle
Game 1: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. God, I'm so fucking unbelievably awesome at magic. Dear Jesus, do I beat the shit out of him game 1. He tries to do shit and I don't care, blah, blah, blah.
Game 2: It was SICK. I lose ALL of my High Tides on a weird draw and proceed to go ULTRA late game. I combo him out with JUST a Turnabout as my untap effect and I still have to go through Gaea's Blessing. Damn, I'm fucking awesome at magic.

Round 3: Jesse Hatfield playing Threshold
Game 1: Goddammit. I hate Jesse Hatfield. Seriously, I fucking hate Jesse Hatfield. That bastard ALWAYS fucking beats me at the frog. Every goddamn week. Anyway, I win this game. It was pretty savage. His draws were shit.
Game 2: I don't get past 2 mana this game. I remand his turn 4 Werebear, he dazes then replays Tropical Island to play Nimble Mongoose. Fuck you.
Game 3: I couldn't actually win this game. God, I hate Jesse Hatfield.

Round 4: Chris Pioth playing 43 Land
Game 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Goddamn, I'm fucking amazing at magic. He draws 3 ports. Eh, it's kind of relevant? Nah, I'm just kidding.
Game 2: He draws 3 ports and 2 Pyroblasts. Irony. Pyroblast + Manabond = not a combo. Heh.

Round 5: Hanni playing U/W/B Fish
Game 1: He gets mana-flooded and I combo him out with ease. He also doesn't know how to play this matchup.
Game 2: While shuffling he presents his deck, I cut, and he's just about to draw his hand. Then, he notices that he forgot to shuffle back in a Force, says, "Oh, I forgot to shuffle this back in," and really quickly shuffles it back in and then presents again. That was really shady man. If you hadn't been so incredibly quick to shuffle it back in again, I don't think I would have called the judge so quickly. I've had people do that to me and then argue that they didn't when the judge came over. Nothing personal man, but that was definitely shady.

Round 6: Kenneth Mclaughlin playing Goblin with Bolt
Game 1: He keeps a 1 land hand with double Fanatic as his only playable drops. I beat the ever loving shit out of him.
Game 2: He keeps a 1 land hand with Lackey as his only out. I Hydroblast Lackey. God, I'm awesome at magic.

Round 7: Glenn playing MUC
I intentional draw with Glenn, but make sure that he knows how incredibly terrible his matchup against me is. :) Damn, I'm so fucking awesome.

Top 8
GLENN ANDERSON PLAYING MONO BLUE CONTROL
Game 1: I almost shit myself at one of the two easiest matchups in top 8. He tries to do relevant stuff and I laugh in his face and deck him. In this game I have 8 lands and go off just because I feel like it. I've peeked at his hand before and the only "relevant" cards are mana leak, force spike, and a single counterspell. He lets High Tide resolve and then attempts to double mana leak, force spike my Reset that still had 10 mana floating. Lolz.
Game 2: Wow, relevant stuff galore? God, I beat the everloving shit out of him again.


Top 4
Jesse Hatfield playing Threshold
Game 1: GODDAMMIT. GODDAMMIT. GODDAMMIT. I FUCKING HATE JESSE HATFIELD. Anyway, I get over my intense desire to pull a Jack Elgin at getting paired up with this asshole again, and manage to sit down to play Game 1. Anyway, the game progresses to me being at 4 and him having a tapped Werebear and 5 lands in play. His hand is Force, Counterspell, Pithing Needle and the card he's drawn for his turn. My hand is High Tide, Reset, Turnabout, Meditate, Brain Freeze, and Twincast. I can win. So, I play High Tide. He says it resolves. Now, I have to do the next cards in the right order but I have to think to make sure. So, I play Turnabout. Like most magic players, I like to flick the corners of my cards on important plays and I just lay down Turnabout as I think of the order of the next two cards. I put my finger in the "I'm Thinking" position but Jesse misinterprets it to mean I'm targeting him. Jesse says, "Me?" and I see the judge nod out of the corner of my eye. Before I can say anything, Jesse taps his land and floats mana. I'm fucked now. My finger could be interpreted to meaning I target him. Jesse has given me advance information about what would happen should I target him. I feel railroaded and don't know how to get out of the situation. It's going to look extremely shady if I argue otherwise, and I think that the judge agrees with him. So, with the complete and full knowledge that I cannot win this game anymore, I go ahead and say, "I guess it targets you." Fucking shit. I lose as I know exactly what's about to happen.
Game 2: His draws were pretty poor and mine were pretty solid. I still am really pissed about how he was able to target MY spell, but I am trying to get over it.
Game 3: I again have no outs. What a load of shit. Also, Jesse Hatfield is a big ol' sack of jerkface. That is all.

Anyway, Day 2 was bad times and I drop but have a great time hanging out with Ta Jugs, Eric Darland (Sexy Rector), George Whitaker, and Lee Sears.

Slops
- Calosso for being a douchebag
- Dave Price for being retarded
- Machinus for not knowing that he could've fucked Calosso out of the top 8
- Jesse Hatfield for all of the above reasons
- Camping in the rain
- A poorly planned trip down
- Anusien for playing bad decks and then claiming he sucked was the reason for his poor placement
- Brandon (Parallax) for losing to 43 land. That is quite possibly the awesomeEST bye for Solidarity
- Brandon (Parallax) for losing to Anusien


More Slops (x2)
- Calosso for being a douchebag
- Dave Price for being retarded
- Machinus for not knowing that he could've fucked Calosso out of the top 8
- Jesse Hatfield for all of the above reasons
- Camping in the rain
- A poorly planned trip down
- Anusien for playing bad decks and then claiming he sucked was the reason for his poor placement
- Brandon (Parallax) for losing to 43 land. That is quite possibly the awesomeEST bye for Solidarity
- Brandon (Parallax) for losing to Anusien


Props
- Machinus for his top 2 Split
- Jon (Mr. Nipples) for his top 2 split
- Calosso would never get props from me. He can burn in hell.
- Jesse Hatfield can also burn in hell. However, that's only because he beat me. He's an ok guy when he's not beating me.
- Eric Darland for swearing to never play a Jack Elgin deck again
- Me, for being amazing at magic



On the topic of Calosso.
Calosso is easily one of the worst players I have ever seen play magic. I am truly astounded by the depth and severity of his misplays and yet occassionally, his opponents give him the win anyway. The reasons behind this are truly obscure and I fucking hate him when he brags about his undeserved wins. Dear Jesus, what a fucking douchebag. Also, you never want to meet him. If you think his online persona is irritating, it's even worse in real life. I know that many of you are kind of confused about how vitriolic we are towards him, but after meeting him, I know that at least SOME of you are now aware of how incredibly retarded he is. Seriously, he's fucking retarded.